I, of all people, have joined twitter! Why? Because I said I hated it but still want to experiment with it for a few days! As of now, I don't like it. And most likely, I won't be on there often because I am a Facebook junkie which takes up quite a few hours of my life. Now, if I do plan to stick around on twitter, the challenge will be to make my page interesting and worthwhile not just for myself but maybe for people in my own profession. Use it as an educational tool? Perhaps. But that will be very tough to do, I think. At any rate, this is a start.
http://twitter.com/ayesharay
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Just before my date with Coverdale....
This is me right before my rock n' roll session with David Coverdale. Summer of 2009.
Friday, November 06, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
A Night Devoted to Indian Classical Music
When was the last time I heard a sitar recital? Eons ago. Taking a break and going with a colleague to watch Alif Laila on sitar and Anubrata Chatterjee on table perform this evening at our college.
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Post show update: Alif Laila was great and Anubrata Chatterjee who is the son of Indian tabla maestro Anindo Chatterjee also did a fine job. It was great to hear the sound of sitar strings fuse with the tabla's rhythmic beats. It was a lovely evening but it also made me miss India a lot and most of all, it reminded me of my grandmother. I hope that wherever she might be, she remains close to her one and only love -music.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Battling Anxiety
For over a year, I have wondered whether or not to write about a frequent visitor in my life. The visitor's name is anxiety and at one time, it would show up anywhere, anytime, uninvited. And when it did, I was left mortified. This last weekend, after seeing my pet go through a very rough experience, I found that uninvited visitor knocking on my door again. Four years ago, I would have tried to run and hide from this demonic visitor. But not anymore. Today, thinking back about my experience with anxiety, I'm writing this post for anyone who may have experienced similar problems but may be shy to talk about it or may not have realized the seriousness of the problem.
If you recall, we have all, at some point in our lives, experienced symptoms such as sweaty palms, dizziness, nausea, pain, the inability to breathe because of a tightness in the chest etc. But when such symptoms start becoming much too frequent and a pattern develops, then there is a problem. Strangely, for many years I let an uninvited visitor called anxiety stay over at my home not knowing who or what it was. I don't know when it began but its actual manifestations began to show up early in graduate school. The stress and pressures of living in a different country alone, in an excessively competitive environment, and experiencing unfamiliar things made anxiety a frequent visitor to my home. But the sad part is that for the longest time (measured in years), I had no idea what was going on. It would start with a feeling of being overwhelmed. And then it would manifest itself in different ways. For instance, when I walked on the street to work, I would get tunnel vision. When I got into closed buses or metro trains, I would want to jump out. I would cringe at the thought of passing out in public. My mind would race at a million miles per second. And it just seemed like something had taken control over me. But since I thought everything was ok, I fought the feeling tooth and nail. I felt like I could defeat this nagging problem but I could not put my finger on it. Strangely, fighting the feeling made it even worse to a point that I began thinking that I was suffering from something serious like a brain tumor!
So for the longest time, I lived with this monstrous visitor. Until last year when I had to move to a new place and settle down again. This time, the new environment and the change brought with it a new set of worries. Negative thoughts and questions would run wild in my head. Will I be able to do what I had set out to do? Can I accomplish my goals? Etc, etc. The thoughts would feed off my brain until I would be exhausted. On one such day, I began experiencing symptoms that are very hard to describe. I could barely breathe (or so I thought), my body had turned to stone, I felt nauseous and wanted to throw up but I couldn't, and I felt like a 800-pound gorilla was holding me in a vice-like grip. I felt like the world was over and that I was having a heart attack. And with that came mental confusion, depression and hysteria to the point that I found myself shaking and sobbing at the same time. And then I could not get up. I was literally stuck, immobilized. And I was 32 years old. The realization hit me so bad that the episode changed everything. It was the wake-up call I had waited for all my life. I knew something was really wrong. And so I headed to the doctor and was finally told that my visitor had a name. Its name was anxiety and it had tried to invade my mind. And, all that I had experienced for so many years were called anxiety attacks. Knowing this brutal fact actually changed things for the better. Yes, I did take anti-anxiety medication for 6 months but more importantly, I began to change my body's responses to this notorious visitor. This time, I did not ignore the visitor or fight it. I accepted its presence and almost as soon as I accepted that fact, things began to change for the better. I became pro-active in helping myself. And that is where my wonderful chiropractor stepped in and put me on a regimen of adjustments, B-12 vitamins and mild exercise. The debilitating headaches and the shortness of breath began to decrease. More than 15 months after that horrific episode, I can say that I am a lot better. With the help of my chiropractor, I was able to say goodbye to those anti-anxiety pills. And ever since then, I have tried to recognize when to expect the uninvited visitor. Now I feel more prepared with all the knowledge at hand.
At the end of the day, anxiety is a problem that can never be cured completely but the answer to eliminating its presence in our lives is to respond to it in different ways. Four things helped me tremendously to get past this problem. First, the minute I recognized that anxiety in its hooded-garb was approaching, I stopped fighting the thought of meeting it. Instead, I let it in only to find that it was not interested in staying too long. It would eventually leave on its own. Second, I tried to change my habit of being a perfectionist. I became a little less hard on myself. Third, I stuck to the regimen advised by a good chiropractor and tried to give my body more nutrition through vitamins. And fourth, I developed a method of telling myself to "breathe!"
And so, in the end, while anxiety never goes away and certain crisis-like situations can bring it right back into your life, the goal is not to let it defeat you or make you feel like something is wrong. In fact, by not resisting any negative thoughts, the bad ones ironically begin to make room for the good thoughts and the level of anxiety begins to decrease. But it is important to recognize that people often don't realize the extent to which anxiety can rule their lives and turn them into a puppet. It is a scary thought. But again, it is just a thought. Let the visitor in when he knocks on your door, try not to give him too much attention and he eventually leaves you alone. This takes hard work, a conscious effort and lots of practice but there is hope for anyone who might be suffering from this problem.
If you recall, we have all, at some point in our lives, experienced symptoms such as sweaty palms, dizziness, nausea, pain, the inability to breathe because of a tightness in the chest etc. But when such symptoms start becoming much too frequent and a pattern develops, then there is a problem. Strangely, for many years I let an uninvited visitor called anxiety stay over at my home not knowing who or what it was. I don't know when it began but its actual manifestations began to show up early in graduate school. The stress and pressures of living in a different country alone, in an excessively competitive environment, and experiencing unfamiliar things made anxiety a frequent visitor to my home. But the sad part is that for the longest time (measured in years), I had no idea what was going on. It would start with a feeling of being overwhelmed. And then it would manifest itself in different ways. For instance, when I walked on the street to work, I would get tunnel vision. When I got into closed buses or metro trains, I would want to jump out. I would cringe at the thought of passing out in public. My mind would race at a million miles per second. And it just seemed like something had taken control over me. But since I thought everything was ok, I fought the feeling tooth and nail. I felt like I could defeat this nagging problem but I could not put my finger on it. Strangely, fighting the feeling made it even worse to a point that I began thinking that I was suffering from something serious like a brain tumor!
So for the longest time, I lived with this monstrous visitor. Until last year when I had to move to a new place and settle down again. This time, the new environment and the change brought with it a new set of worries. Negative thoughts and questions would run wild in my head. Will I be able to do what I had set out to do? Can I accomplish my goals? Etc, etc. The thoughts would feed off my brain until I would be exhausted. On one such day, I began experiencing symptoms that are very hard to describe. I could barely breathe (or so I thought), my body had turned to stone, I felt nauseous and wanted to throw up but I couldn't, and I felt like a 800-pound gorilla was holding me in a vice-like grip. I felt like the world was over and that I was having a heart attack. And with that came mental confusion, depression and hysteria to the point that I found myself shaking and sobbing at the same time. And then I could not get up. I was literally stuck, immobilized. And I was 32 years old. The realization hit me so bad that the episode changed everything. It was the wake-up call I had waited for all my life. I knew something was really wrong. And so I headed to the doctor and was finally told that my visitor had a name. Its name was anxiety and it had tried to invade my mind. And, all that I had experienced for so many years were called anxiety attacks. Knowing this brutal fact actually changed things for the better. Yes, I did take anti-anxiety medication for 6 months but more importantly, I began to change my body's responses to this notorious visitor. This time, I did not ignore the visitor or fight it. I accepted its presence and almost as soon as I accepted that fact, things began to change for the better. I became pro-active in helping myself. And that is where my wonderful chiropractor stepped in and put me on a regimen of adjustments, B-12 vitamins and mild exercise. The debilitating headaches and the shortness of breath began to decrease. More than 15 months after that horrific episode, I can say that I am a lot better. With the help of my chiropractor, I was able to say goodbye to those anti-anxiety pills. And ever since then, I have tried to recognize when to expect the uninvited visitor. Now I feel more prepared with all the knowledge at hand.
At the end of the day, anxiety is a problem that can never be cured completely but the answer to eliminating its presence in our lives is to respond to it in different ways. Four things helped me tremendously to get past this problem. First, the minute I recognized that anxiety in its hooded-garb was approaching, I stopped fighting the thought of meeting it. Instead, I let it in only to find that it was not interested in staying too long. It would eventually leave on its own. Second, I tried to change my habit of being a perfectionist. I became a little less hard on myself. Third, I stuck to the regimen advised by a good chiropractor and tried to give my body more nutrition through vitamins. And fourth, I developed a method of telling myself to "breathe!"
And so, in the end, while anxiety never goes away and certain crisis-like situations can bring it right back into your life, the goal is not to let it defeat you or make you feel like something is wrong. In fact, by not resisting any negative thoughts, the bad ones ironically begin to make room for the good thoughts and the level of anxiety begins to decrease. But it is important to recognize that people often don't realize the extent to which anxiety can rule their lives and turn them into a puppet. It is a scary thought. But again, it is just a thought. Let the visitor in when he knocks on your door, try not to give him too much attention and he eventually leaves you alone. This takes hard work, a conscious effort and lots of practice but there is hope for anyone who might be suffering from this problem.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Leaving Those Worries Behind
Took a day off from work in 3 years to stay home with my baby. Also collected the reports from the blood work and thankfully, everything major that Lucas was tested for came back negative. Now we just have to wait and watch for the next seizure to appear. It can be 2 weeks, months or even years. I just hope and pray it does not happen soon because then I'll have to start him on the medication to prevent any future recurrences. According to the vet, if a dog suffers 2 seizures in a year, it may not be worth medicating him/her. But with each seizure, the possibility of another one grows stronger and the duration of each seizure thereafter becomes longer. Any dog that suffers a seizure for about 30 minutes can become brain-dead. Lucas' first one lasted about 30 seconds but it felt like an eternity.
So we just have to wait and watch. I'm going to look into other possible ways to treat this ailment which is commonly known as canine epilepsy. For today, we are smiling, ready to be tough, kick the ailment on its head and get back to rolling in the grass.
Monday, November 02, 2009
For My Faithful Companion
Yesterday, I had a horrible dream about Lucas and woke up to see him fall off the bed and have a violent seizure. It was his first. And it was gut-wrenching to watch. Took him to the doctor today who ran a series of blood tests. As of now, the speculation is that he may have genetic epilepsy. What a sad day it has been. If only I could tell Lucas. If the seizure happens again within a few months, it will undoubtedly be epilepsy. And then my darling dog will have to be put on medication for life; some of which could affect his liver and leave him lethargic. I am so depressed. These medicines have serious side-effects but there is a trade-off. Would you rather have your dog experience seizures which will hurt his brain in the long run or that could kill him or go with medication that will control or remove the seizures? I would go with the latter. But as of now, when I see Lucas come running towards me, I want to tell him that he is fine. He is playing, jumping around, and being his usual happy self. And yes, I hope to keep him that way, always. But I just can't seem to get myself to explain to him that since yesterday, he may have a problem he has to live with all his life for which he might need medication everyday; a problem that may even affect his longevity. Ah Lucas, sometimes it is better not to know such stuff, to be blind and deaf and not to experience anything because knowing always brings with it a lot of hurt and pain. And Lucas, even though you can see, hear and smell, you have been blessed by God to never know. And in that sense you have a better life than mine. We just have to wait it out, my friend and I'll do whatever it takes to help you live a long, happy, life. We are in this together forever, as long as forever lasts...
Saturday, October 31, 2009
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